My Parents Are A Woman And A Broadway Star

So in the past two days I've been called very very different things by two different people. It really confused me, because I always thought I was somewhere between the two options based purely on looks, but apparently not.

A few days ago in a bookstore, a man said, "You look like Matthew Broderik. You must hear that a lot, though."

Me: "Uh, no. Never actually."

Him: "Oh, well can you sing?"

Me: "No."

Him: "That's okay, he can't either."

Then we laughed and I walked away, only now realized this old bookstore worker in his 60's probably wanted to take me home and act out the Producers with him, except the version where the Nathan Lane character brutally rapes the Matthew Broderick one. Wait, that was the Broadway one? Oh, whoops.

Then, just tonight, someone called me ma'am. She might have said "man," but I'm thinking she said "ma'am" if only because she was working at a counter in a store I was in, and I think she was going for very formal (ma'am) instead of very casual (man). "Thank you ma'am," or "Thank you man." I'm going with the former.

Now, I'm not the manliest of men by any means, but I do think I tend to look male. Now, it was late, maybe she was tired. I had on a hat that covered up all of my hair, so perhaps that factored into her called me "ma'am" somehow. Now, I also have a beard, and the only reason I have a beard is so people will stop calling me "ma'am," but apparently that doesn't even work. So not only am I a woman, but I'm a circus freak. It's bad enough to be called a female when you're a male, but to be called a female when you're a bearded male sucks because it's like that person is telling you "Hey, you don't look like a dude, so you must be an ugly chick. I bet you couldn't get a prom date." And then I cried, because I couldn't get a date to prom, and I ended up sitting home prom night wearing my prom dress while watching "America's Funniest Home Videos." Luckily for me, it was their special with only hilarious clips from various weddings and dances. I saw a lot of people fall in cake. It wasn't funny.