Night Seven

The second to last night of the greatest Jewish holiday spanning eight nights that's held in December was pretty uneventful. Like, it sucked. We've completely stopped even mentioning it's a holiday at this point, which is about right on track with how it goes every year. Have I mentioned my family is barley Jewish? Because we are.

For tonight let's combine two Jewish stereotypes into one post because I'm out of things to say, yet still keep talking. Aren't you lucky?

We love Chinese food. We do. It's true. If only because you need something to break up eating deli food every night. Back in the 1890's, when Moses was just finishing up leading the Jews through a 36-year trek through the desert (they rounded that number up to guilt the rest of the world into sympathizing with them), they arrived in New York.

It was a strange place, with lots of buildings and all different colors of people. All they had eaten for the past 36 years was a cycle of camel meat, dead Jew meat and sand. It got old quickly, but what could they do? They wandered around New York looking for something to eat, but there weren't any camels, dead Jews or sand around. They eventually found a Chinese restaurant, the only thing open. To commemorate finally escaping the pharaoh, Jews agreed to start meeting weekly for Chinese food.

So it's not so much that we actually enjoy eating Chinese food a lot as much as it's tradition. If we could, and some of us have, we'd just combine synagogues and Chinese restaurants into one giant building and knock out both of those things in one afternoon.

The second stereotype is that we love to marry our children. This one is also true. How can you honestly be sure that the person you're marrying is Jewish? Those gentiles lie about practically everything. I wouldn't put it past one to lie about being Jewish to marry a Jew, since we're all successful, wonderful people. So then you marry you're child. You raised them, you know they're really Jewish.

Plus, you can raise them to have traits you'd look for in a mate. Being a parent is really the perfect way to match-make. Of course, it's gross. But in swoops a genius of a man, who is like "Hold on ye Jews. Let's adopt kids and marry them!"

Adoption? Sounds good to us. But where to adopt from? "Well, since we love Chinese food so much, how about China?" Brilliant!

And that is why all Jews love Woody Allen. Not only is he the finest filmmaker of all time, but he's a visionary. Example in entertainment, none other than Woody Allen, of course.