My Decent Into Racism

My roommate is two face. Technically, he's half black half white, but looks completely black. Which is fine. I mean, Black Panthers, rap music, Obama and all of that stuff.

I wouldn't say we're friends, though. We just live together. When we're in the room we talk. Never engaging stuff, but that's fine. I have you fine people(s?) to talk to when I want. We just bullshit. And it's fine.

But when he's on the phone with friends, or his cousin (who is also black) is in the room, he totally blacks it up. I don't know which one is the act, though. I mean, when we talk he speaks fine. Like if you just interviewed him, and you were kind of racist, you'd say he was articulate.

When he's on the phone, though, it's all "Boy you must be out your gotdamn mind," "[n-word ending in 'a']," "Psh, I need to cuts my shit. It's long as fuck," "Boy you must be out your gatdamn mind." I know I did that already, but he says it a lot.

See, I don't know. Do I know the real my roommate, or the fake my roommate. I mean, he could tell me I must be out my gotdamn mind. But he doesn't. He just pees with the door open a lot. And he shaves in the sink, but instead doesn't just turn on the water, he takes it out of the sink on a paper towel and then puts it in the toilet and doesn't flush it. And he takes shits and wipes with only one flush. I don't know how anyone else does it, but to me, if it's taking one flush something isn't right. Maybe I'm too cautious, though.

And his cousin is making me [more] racist. I just can't really stand him. I mean, he's always nice to me, sort of, but I hate when he's in the room. I know I already brought it up a few weeks ago, but I swear, he just makes me want to plug a hose into a fire hydrant and spray him. See, racist.

When he's in the room, everything he says is shouted. He just yells, all the fucking time. And if he's got nothing to say, he just yells. Or yells out a rap lyric. And every time he's over it's a new line that he just repeats all night. The other day it was "got a thousand dollars say LeBron don't win a ring, word?" And he kept repeating it, like that was some type of great line. I mean, it's not. At all. And it's a million dollars. I looked it up to see if he got it right, and he didn't. I thought a thousand dollars was a little low of a figure to brag about in a Game song, and it was. Maybe I was angry because I think LeBron will win a ring one day, hopefully on the Knicks.

Or maybe I was angry because he kept repeating it over and over, getting louder and louder. He was like TK, but only louder and less mentally challenged.

Also, the two of them and some of their friends are taking a trip this weekend to go to Temple University to visit a friend. It would be much better if I weren't also going home this weekend. I'm pissed that I could have the room to myself for like 3 days and won't get to. Anyway, they're talking about their trip, and the cousin just says "I might beef in Philly, but I don't know yet."

My roommate says, "Yeah, if you do you get left in Philly." And the cousin says, "Man I don't know yet, but I might beef in Philly."

What the fuck? Who plans on getting into fights? Boxers, that's who. It's the second gayest thing I've heard him say, I'll get to number one in a bit. But seriously, planning on getting into a fight just because you're going on a trip somewhere? And not just anywhere, but Philly. I mean, he might just get shot. I don't want him to die. I have nothing against him, other than I think he's an obnoxious moron, but if he thinks he's going to walk into Philly and "beef" with someone just for fun, there's a good chance he could get shot.

Okay, the gayest thing I've heard him say involves my roommate. They're sitting at the table we have in our room talking about their clique. And the cousin starts talking about everyone in the clique, and who their G-Unit equivalent is. I didn't really pay attention, but I could tell he was getting pretty in depth and seriously thought about it. Anyway, I just thought that was pretty gay.

He also has this weird sense or urgency to go to Germany. My roommate's mother is German, and he stayed there over the summer and I'm sure has been before. So maybe he talked it up to his cousin, which he probably did. But still, the cousin just always talks about needing to go to Germany. He doesn't speak German, he had no idea what any of the typical German foods my roommate was telling him about were and he doesn't really know anything about the country other than he needs to be there.

You see, he met the German girl that stayed in my room a few weekends ago, and she also likes Germany and talked it up. He asked, "They got females there?" She said "Yes." And his desire only grew stronger. I mean, she didn't say attractive females, but just females. Doesn't matter. They got females.

Plus, he's black and American. They'll love him there. Which I'd imagine is probably somewhat true. But it's not like he wouldn't be popular if he were to go to other countries. Yet Germany is the place for him.

He was talking to my roommate about the females in Germany. "They like black people?" "Yeah, they don't have many so everyone looks at you. "Yo, man. I'm there." "Yeah, and once you start talking they'll really like you." "Shit, I need to be in Germany now son. So I'd get hype there?" "Yeah, definitely."

"Yo, would Lincoln get hype there?" "Yeah." "Come awwwn man. Lincoln would get hype there?" "Yeah, he's American. They like that."

Now, I know I was being insulted. I was sitting literally three feet from him when he was in utter disbelief I would get "hype" if I were to go to Germany. And maybe, one day I will. That would be fun. I'm sure it's nice. Realistically, I'd like to have sex with a German girl- payback and all.

And they were pretty sure I didn't know what hype was, so maybe he really thought him using his slang was the equivalent of spelling something out around a toddler. But I can spell too. So I picked it up. I just smiled. I mean, sure I'm not going to draw in the ladies like him. I mean, I don't have a thin mustache or goatee only around my chin. I mean, I just can't compete. And I don't have a winning personality like his either. But hey, we can't all be winners.

He was clearly threatened that I would get hype in Germany, like I would some way steal his women. So I played along and said, "Well, if I can get hype in Germany I may have to look into study abroad over there or just going for a visit." My roommate said I should because it's a nice country. His cousin looked worried.

"But yo," he said, "I'd get more hype because people like black Americans more than white Americans in other countries."

He's got a point. I can't compete with that. But then again, I'm perfectly fine with more people liking me because I'm white right here in the good ole USA. Have fun trying to get a job, cunttard.