Cleveland Rocks!

I was walking down the street earlier today when I realized I stepped on something. I didn’t see it in my path, otherwise I probably would’ve avoided it. I didn’t, and ended up stepping on it.

“Ouch,” it said.

I looked down, and saw it: a pocket-sized unicorn. I had never seen a unicorn before, so I can’t say if it was unusually small, extremely large or it’s normal size. All I know is that was pocket-sized.

I just so happened to be wearing a shirt with a front pocket today, so I lifted the horned creature and put it in my pocket. I was on my way to class, so she— it said its name was Samantha, so I guess it’s a she— and I went to history class.

“Oh, history!” she said. “I’m excited, I know very little about US History up until 1877!”

“Wow,” I replied, “how did you know what class I’m going to?”

“I’m a unicorn.”

I don’t really know why that added up, but it did. She stayed in my pocket and didn’t make so much as a peep during class. In fact, she was adorable. She took notes. What wasn’t so adorable is that my pen was too large and she didn’t have one, so she took a staple and cut the notes into her legs. That was odd, but she said she likes the pain. Oh well. I was afraid my pocket would get all bloody, but she licked up the blood. She said if you cut yourself, but lick up the blood than it goes back into your body and it won’t have any negative effects on your health. Cool!

After that I had a break in the day, so I went to the cafeteria for lunch. I opted for salad. Samantha said she’d just chew on her shoulder. I gave her some lettuce, though. She liked it, I think.

“So Samantha,” I said, “what are you doing in Pittsburgh?”

“Well, I was sent here for an important mission from unicorn headquarters.”

“What? There’s like three things in that sentence I’m quite curious about. First, unicorn headquarters?”

“Yeah, that’s where all the unicorns are made. It’s in Cleveland. We’re made when a horse has sex with a winged computer, and the only winged computer in the world is in Cleveland. Oh no! I shouldn’t have said that. I’ve said too much. I’m going to be punished now. I won’t get my lashings when I return, and I love my lashings oh so much.”

“Um, okay. How many unicorns are there?”
“You sound like you’re surprised. There are thousands of us, sent all around the world to do special missions.”

“What kind of missions?”

“Oh, I can’t tell you that. That would break out Super Secret Unicorn Code, which I kind of already did by telling you all that other stuff. But I most certainly can’t tell you about our secret missions.”

“I mean, can you give me a hint? Do you deliver stuff, or go help sick people or something?”

“I guess you could say it’s a mix.”

“Wow, sounds good.”

“Yeah, so where to next.”

“Another class. Sorry, it’s going to be boring.”

“That’s alright.”

So off we went. I marched down the street, confident for the first time ever. In my head I heard the Turtles “So Happy Together,” mostly because I was in love, but also partially because I always think of that song when I walk.

We were really happy together. I sat in class, bored. She sat in my pocket, cutting herself. All was good.

After class, I was on my way out of the building when I heard something coming from my pocket. It was her phone. The ringtone, in case you were wondering, was “Close to You,” by the Carpenters. It was awesome.

What wasn’t, however, was who called. It was her boss, the head unicorn. He, yes they make male unicorns, said she was running late and needed to complete her super secret mission now and return to Cleveland.

She said she needed to go, and before I could say goodbye she had flown away. I cried. I kept crying as I walked away. Most people walking on the sidewalk called me names. One asked if I was crying because my front pocket was all bloody. I took out my pocket knife and made him all bloody. I cut off my front pocket and rubbed it in his face. Hope I don’t have anything.

Just as I was about to enter my dorm building, I noticed Samantha behind a bush. I snuck up and watched. She was calling over a kitten. The kitty slowly walked over, opened its mouth, and Samantha flew inside. She then flew out, holding onto something. The cat dropped the ground.

“Samantha, what are you doing?”

“Adaham, no! You can’t see.”

“It’s too late. What are you doing?”

“Completing my secret mission.”

“And?”

“It’s the cat’s heart.”

“Why?”

“My master. He needs them.”

“What does a unicorn need a cat’s heart for?”

“He’s not a unicorn. He’s a plump, four-eyed man with a penchant for giving out points to people when they say something humorous while holding a prop or in song-form.”

“Your boss is Drew Carey?”

“Yes. He runs on cat hearts.”