Anyway, the interviewer asked me to tell him what foods I thought were healthy, and why, and what foods I thought were not healthy, and why. I pondered the first part for a bit, and then let go with some of my UMass-major-in-philosophy wisdom.
"Well, I think vegetables are healthy, because they're green, and that's what they always tell you in grade school: green things are good for you." This wasn't enough, though.
"Anything else?" he pushed.
"Well, I believe fruits are also healthy, because they're full of natural nutrients and things... and because they aren't artificial."
"Say, 'If it grows in the ground, it's good to eat and smoke.'"
"Uh... if it grows in the ground, it's good to eat and smoke."
He was very happy with this. he then asked me to answer the second bit, about what isn't healthy to eat.
"Fast food!" I ejaculated. "Fast food is not healthy, because it's full of fat and other artificials," I continued, after wiping off the ejaculate.
And then we went our seperate ways; the camera crew off to interview more idiots, and I continued home, to digest the day's events.
I stayed up until four in the morning, too excited about my network television debut to sleep. Wow, I thought, this is going out across the nation! The whole nation will get to know the fake real me! "What a jackass," they'll say! How exciting! I'll get to be the nation's new jackass!
Now, nevermind the fact that I don't think anybody in the world watches "The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet." In fact, I hadn't heard of it until the camera guy told me about it as he rushed off to interview someone else. Actually, he only told me it would be on Fox at 9 AM, so I didn't hear about it until I got home and looked up the name of the show that comes on at 9 AM, weekdays on Fox. Nevermind that, that's not important. I was too excited to mind that!
Anyway, I finally went to sleep, and woke up around 8:50, to check out the size and brightness of my star. Pretty big and bright, I expected. I was in for a surprise. I turned on the TV, and what did I find? Not me. Not me by a longshot.
It was a breaking news report. Pun intended, perhaps? Apparently, something had fallen down. A crane, they said, had collapsed and destroyed part of a building. I was devastated! This meant, of course, that I would not be on television. At least not in my part of the country. Soon, however, I got to thinking. A crane? I thought. Wait a minute... something doesn't fit here...
And then, I figured it out. I hopped in the car, and took off, headed towards the local construction site. That's where I found him, the one behind it all, my arch nemesis...
"Craney!" I yelled.
"What do you want?" replied the enormous crane, Craney Sigel.
Younger brother of rapper Beanie Sigel, Craney Sigel grew up with a mean streak. Always living in his brothers shadow, he went insane, feeling a need to prove to the world that he was superior to his successful older sibling. Superior... at being evil!
"You bastard, I know it was you! You caused that crane to fall down with your super power - the ability to control any crane on the planet at any time!" I had figured it out.
"Why, yes, Murray-san, you have ah-figured it out." Also, I forgot to say, he was Japanese. "I was-ah tired of arways riving in my brothow's shadow. I enter sperring bee, he win it. I try rappingu, he become best rappa in za world! Finary, I have-ah bictoly! He never made breaking news report! Aha ha ha! Get it?"
"You monster! A couple people got hurt in that accident, and someone died! You've gone too far! And now, I know; you'll be finished!"
"Yes, you know, but-ah who is-ah going to berieve you?"
Shit, I thought, he's right...
To be continued...
1 comment:
Damn that Craney! He's stolen from you your opportunity to be the next token stoner college kid! You could have had a "funny" t-shirt dedicated to you!
And also, may I say, you already bear a resemblance to a young matt pinfield...
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