Crapped to Mummification

I walked into my doctor's office and greeted the man.  He sighed.  I guess I have a tendency towards hypochondria, so we see a lot of each other... he kind of sees it as a waste of time, but my insurance always pays his bills, so I don't know why he's complaining.  He usually just writes me a prescription for 350 mg of "fuck off," for "being a jackass," but luckily for the both of us, my insurance covers that condition.  I've got a great plan.

Anyway, sometimes, I'm not sure if I've got anything, because of my condition.  You know, the jackass thing.

"Doc," I said, "tell me if this sounds like anything to you."

"No," he said, with another sigh.  Whatta comedian!

"Ha ha," I said.  "You're such a joker."  I loved when he did that.  "But seriously, Doc, I was hoping you could set my mind at ease."

"Let me get my prescription pad.  I'll write you some more of those pills.  You know, the usual."

"Wait a sec, Doc.  I don't know if those will work this time.  I mean, don't get me wrong; they're great, I'll take some more if you've got them, but I think this particular problem isn't due to my condition."

"Whatever," he said.

"Didn't you take some kind of oath?" I asked.

"Goddamn it.  What's your problem?" he asked.  I now think he meant it in the pejorative sense, but I took it as more of a diagnostic question.

"I think I'm turning into a mummy," I proposed.

"That's stupid," he replied.  "You're being stupid."

"Seriously, Doc, hear me out.  My skin keeps falling off, and Egyptian people have been following me everywhere, hoping I'll drop some vast riches.  Plus, now, whenever I curse someone, it actually works!  I told my landlord to go fuck himself, and the next day, he was found dead with his cock in his own ass!"

"That does sound like a mummy.  Kind of."

I swatted away some Egyptian people, who were trying to reach into my pockets.  "And what about all this toilet paper I'm covered in?  How do you explain that?"

"Yeah, I was wondering about that too."

"So what do I do, Doc?  What's the treatment?"

"I don't know, I'm a pediatrician."

"Really?" I was surprised to hear this.  I mean, I'd been going to this guy for years!  "Why haven't you recommended I see another doctor?  A general practitioner!"

"I do tell you to do that, every time you show up.  'Go waste some other doctor's time,' I say."

"I thought that was another one of your jokes."

"No.  No joke."  We both kind of just sat there for a few minutes, while I took this in.  Then I forgot what we were doing, and started to pick my nose.  Then I started picking at my scabs, and eating it.  Doc seemed a bit grossed out by that.  I mean, who wouldn't?  Yuck!  I guessed he figured the quickest way to get me out of there was to try and fix my problem.

"When did this start?" he asked.

"Well, I think it all began when I went to the bathroom and all my organs came out."

"So you crapped yourself to mummification?" he sneered.

"Yeah.  It was really bad diarrhea too.  On the toilet for days.  I put my organs in some jars.  I have them, if you wanna see."  He made a face.

"No, I don't want to see your shit covered organs in a jar.  I don't think that will be necessary."  He closed his eyes for a few seconds, exasperatedly.  "Can you think of anything that would've caused this... episode?"

"Well, I ate some water chestnuts the night before."

"I don't think that's it.  Anything else?"

"No, I think it was the water chestnuts."

"No, you're being a jackass again."

"Let's agree to disagree," I said.

"No," he said.  "What else happened the day before?  Did you encounter any ancient Egyptian spirits?  Piss off any shamans?  Tell me what you did."  I thought about it.

"Well, I was on a tour of the inside of one of those Great Pyramids in Egypt.  I kind of wandered off, and got lost.  I was looking for a bathroom, you see.  Anyway, I couldn't find one -- can you believe it?  Not one!  It's all snakes and sand in those things.  Who thinks that's a good design? -- so I just started peeing right there in the Pharaoh's tomb.  His ghost didn't seem to happy about it, flying around, screaming curses at me, but that only made it worse." Doc frowned.  "He scared me so bad, I almost drowned us both.  Anyway, he followed me home that night, I guess since the tomb was pretty much unlivable now, with so much of my pee everywhere.  That night, we had dinner together.  He had raw scarab beetles.  I had a salad.  With water chestnuts."  I winked at the Doc for several minutes.

"Keep going," he said, impatiently.

"Oh, and then he put the mummy's curse on me.  So, should I stop eating water chestnuts?  Do you think I'm allergic, Doc?"

"Stop talking about water chestnuts!  It seems like I have to tell you that every time you come here."

"But don't you think that means something?  Maybe I really am allergic, and that's why I keep coming back!  Do you think that's it?"  Doc looked pissed.

"... Yes."