Are you sick of my incorporating my name into more famous names yet? Me either. It’s so witty and fun. Well no. Truthfully, I don’t know exactly know why I do it, and do it so often. It’s alright I guess. It makes me think, kind of, which I can’t really say for anything else I write. So there’s that.
Anyway, this week is all about mystery. So if you can, imagine a shadow of my full my body profile, and then my body walking into that shadow…
Mystery 1: What went first, my testicles or my dignity?
I started writing this a bit later then when I initially intended on writing it. And I don’t really mean by a few days late. I opened Word, was about to type and then stopped for a good 5 minutes. Want to know why?
I was too busy looking on Youtube for some type of video for that Coldplay song in the iTunes commercial. That’s right. Coldplay. I guess I don’t have anything against Coldplay, besides the fact that as I listen to them I feel like a douche. Well, more of a douche than I normally feel like. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s all the times I’ve heard people call them the “greatest band in the world,” or maybe it’s the fact that the lead singer feels the need to wear a bunch of colorful accessories on his arms when he performs.
I can’t really pinpoint why I exactly feel embarrassed while listening to Coldplay. I even put on headphones to listen to it, although at this point, my mom and brother are asleep and my dad is in another room doing work and wouldn’t hear my music playing anyway. And if they did hear it would they even know it was Coldplay? Maybe my brother. But would they care or make fun of me?
Probably not. I mean, who makes fun of someone for listening to Coldplay every now and then (Inside joke alert you outside of the “know” losers!)? I guess what I dislike most about listening to Coldplay is that I feel the need to act something out when listening to them, like mock piano playing, or with this new song, I feel the need to raise my arm with my palm facing out (like the dude does in the commercial I guess) and close my eyes and just feel the power of Coldplay shooting out of my hand onto the world, possibly ending the evils of world hunger and the Blue Collar Comedy guys in the process. If that doesn’t help, just picture a blind person trying to read a
Eh, I hate that I just wrote about 4 paragraphs about possibly feeling like a tool for listening to one Coldplay song. But I hate it less than you would’ve hated my other post, which would’ve been another shitty one about aliens, so don’t complain.
Listen, all I’m saying is that because of their music I wish I could fly. Yeah, fly. Listening to Coldplay. On headphones, of course. I don’t want all you ground-travelling assholes to know just how much of a douche I truly am, as I soar about you,
Mystery 2: Did my younger brother make an attempt at shaving his pubic hair over the toilet in the bathroom that we share?
This is one that I think I’ll never exactly find an answer to. Mostly because I would never bring up such a topic with him. But if I had to guess, I’d say yes. And that’s gross.
The other day I went to the bathroom and noticed a bunch of tiny hairs on the seat and sprinkled on the floor surrounding the toilet. Now, he can’t really grow facial hair just yet, as he is only 15, but he has a little bit. So I thought maybe it was hair from his face, because they were quite tiny hairs. But his facial hair isn’t really to a point that it’s long enough for him to shave it yet, though.
Plus, if he were to shave his face, wouldn’t you do that at a sink, with a mirror, so you could see? I know I often shave my face at a sink. Or at least somewhere with a mirror. Even when I shave while driving, I use the rearview mirror to assist me. Shaving without a mirror is dangerous.
So back to the story, I’m at the toilet and looking at a lot of tiny hairs. They didn’t fall off his legs either. One, that would be odd. Two, his leg hair is longer than these hairs. I know because sometimes at night, while he sleeps, I shave his leg hair and glue it to the bottom of his feet.
You people(s?) didn’t really need to know this story, but I had to share it with someone(s?), but my parents aren’t really ones to talk about such things with. So if you(s?) have any theories, I’d love to hear them, because the thought of my brother shaving his pubic hair is more gross to me than to you.
I’m not opposed to shaving of one’s pubic region, if that’s your thing. Go right ahead (pun?). But if you do, do it in a shower, or at least clean it up. Personally, I don’t plan on shaving any part of my body, including my face, ever again because I desperately want to become Cousin It.
Mystery 3: Seriously, is it you or me?
If I want to make one thing clear to all the people in the world, it’s that I hate myself. I truly do. I constantly wonder why anybody would ever want to hold a conversation with me. And when it comes to hanging out, if it’s just hanging out, I don’t think I bring anything to table. If we’re watching something or listening to something or playing something, I fucking rock. But sit me in a room with other people with nothing to do but talk, put me in a corner and tell me when it’s fine for me to leave.
So I can see why somebody wouldn’t like me. But I also happen to be very quiet, so unless someone hates quiet people, I doubt they even have an opinion of me because chances are I haven’t said anything to or around them.
Yet I have opinions on people almost instantly, and about 94 percent of the time, they’re negative. Within the first paragraph someone says that I can hear, I can form a negative opinion on them. So what I want to know is, is it all of the world that sucks or is it me that’s an anti-social, judgmental asshole?
Probably the latter. Today’s episode of such an occurrence:
I started an internship with a newspaper. At point they brought the interns into a conference room and sat us a giant table with editors from each section of the paper. The editors go over all this stuff and introduce themselves. Then, it was our turn!
I hate talking. I hate ice-breakers. Anyway, we were told to say our name, the school we attend and why we wanted an internship with a paper.
Seems simple enough. So as people are going around the table it started mostly on target, then on guy’s reason for wanting the internship was because he was an editor at his school’s newspaper and he wanted to continue into the journalism field. So then everyone else after him felt it was necessary to rattle of their own resumes. Everyone either wrote for their school paper’s or was an editor.
And it pissed me off. They couldn’t just say they were interested in journalism or something. No, I swear it got to a point where I was waiting for some of them to read their clips to us right there. And for some reason everyone said the school paper’s name, which nobody else fucking knows cause it’s a college newspaper and while it’s cool you write for them, nobody gives a shit about the Daily Tiger or Hoya Review. Sorry, just say school paper if you were going to say anything at all.
So what did I say, you must be thinking. “Hi, I’m Adam. I go to the University of [school in western
Was it the best answer? Not at all. Did I make a point that I want to talk as little as possible? To me I did. I’m not here for chit-chat. Did the people that talked after me follow my lead? Of course not. It was back to writing and editing the Albany Chronicle and all that garbage.
Although one girl did say she doesn’t have any experience in journalism and wanted to see if it was something she might enjoy. My initial thought was “Wow, this certainly puts a damper on getting this internship. I almost felt a speckle of self-pride for getting accepted to be here, but this bitch has no experience and got it? I’m guessing not many people were turned away then. Fuck my life.”
Then I realized that was the most kickass answer any of us gave. It was brilliant. So our eyes met, I winked and nodded in approval. The two us, rebelling against the working world and their look-at-me attitudes.
She reported me and I was promptly fired for sexual harassment.
Mystery 4: Seriously, did he shave his pubes?
No comments:
Post a Comment