Imagine my amazement when loading voice tracks today, when I heard the DJ mention Verne Troyer's sex tape in passing. This was during perhaps the second hour of my six hour shift at work; everything else is a blur. I don't really know what else happened to me today, because all I could think about was whether Mini-Me's peenie is in proportion. Does he squeal like in the movies when he achieves orgasm? (Eeeeeeeeeeee!) You know, that sort of thing. I may be fired when I come in tomorrow, but, for all I know, I could be president of the company; I really wasn't paying attention. VERNE TROYER'S PEEPEE!
But the asshole, according to Yahoo, is trying to keep people from seeing it. His claim is that "he will suffer irreparable harm to his reputation" if the tape is put to distribution. Did I read that right? Isn't this the guy who rode a scooter around the Surreal Life house in the nude, and then peed in the corner while Da Brat watched? Wasn't he the guy who, when they were all eating sushi off Adrienne Curry's naked body, went in for a California roll, but stayed a bit longer for some... tweaking? Isn't he in that new Mike Meyers movie about an Indian boner expert? A sex tape sounds like it fits in perfectly with his reputation. In fact, people seeing this tape can only boost his reputation! I've seen a bit of it, and the girl is normal sized. That's right, a dwarf has stolen riches from the halls of men!
He's hoarding his treasure, just like the greedy dwarves always do. We can't allow this! As perhaps the most important story of our generation, this tape must be brought to light; it must see commercial distribution. Write your local congressman and demand the court drop its injunction against the release of this important part of our history! Only then will I have the opportunity to pirate it off of YouPorn.
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