Recently scientists in
When I found out I was pretty excited. It’s not that I want the human race to become completely extinct, but I wouldn’t mind a major drop in the number of us just as long as it comes from some type of alien invasion.
Come on, an alien invasion. That would be awesome. And not awesome in a “Hey, look at me! I’m gonna save the planet from aliens” type of way, because I couldn’t. In all honesty, if aliens invaded I think this would be my course of action:
-shit my pants
-cry
-change my pant
-find a hiding spot
-try not to cry while hiding and hope the aliens never find me
If that would work I’d then go around telling people that I just hid and was never found, or that I didn’t even notice. “Oh, an alien invasion? Really. That sounds crazy,” I would say. “I was listening music with my headphones on, so I guess I didn’t really notice. Funny, huh?”
And that’s only because I’m a giant coward.
When I read this I starting thinking, mostly because the only thing that really gets me thinking anymore is the possibility of meeting aliens, but also partly because, well no, I just want to meet aliens.
What if somewhere on one of these “super-Earths” the aliens are just discovering Earth, except it wouldn’t be a “super-Earth.” It would be a “less adequate-Hoth,” because all alien planets are named Hoth until I hear otherwise. They probably wouldn’t be in English though, so it would look like this: Hey, way to translate! Have some spare time? Me too! Let’s hang out!.
They’re probably just hanging out on Hoth waiting for the aliens to come visit, like we are. Except to them, we’re the aliens. Did I just blow your mind? A little? What if this thing we call the universe is just a locker. Did I blow your mind again? Did I steal that from Men In Black 2?
Well, I think it’s time to go meet out alien counterparts. Or if we’re the aliens, it’s time to go meet the inhabitants of the three Hoths.
This brings up the question “What would you hope for in a super-Earth?” Well, Adam, thanks for asking. So here’s my recount of what happened when I went to one of these “super-Earths” in the future. I translated all of it so you don’t have to. And I also changed all names to Adam to protect the people I met on Hoth.
Or were their names all Adam, insinuating that a planet made up of only people named Adam is considered to be super?
Yeah, super gay! Oh! Take that me. Yeah, you were thinking it weren’t you jackass. But you’re wrong. A plant of all
So the wheels have fallen off quite a bit here.
Anyway, here’s what happened on my future trip to Hoth, where I met with a bunch of people possibly named Adam. We might someday take over the entire galaxy. It’d be like the rape of
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And scene.
You’re welcome.
No, so I don’t know what a “super-Earth” would be like. Would it just be larger? Would there be more natural resources? We it be a Daily Planet reporter by day, and crime fighter by night, unless of course the crime happened in the day so then the planet would leave its job as a reporter early to save itself?
Well I don’t know. I refuse to read anymore about them because science is going to make “super-Earths” something really not awesome. So I’m not gonna let you do it science. No, fuck you. So here’s my super-Earth. I could’ve easily just done this after I originally said, but it’s such a great planet I didn’t think you’d be able to handle it if I started earlier. I’m hoping to weed out the weaker ones by putting off my super planet for as long as I could.
But I can’t do it any longer. Nope. Just can’t. The creation of perfection is just surging through me right now. Right now it’s making its way from my brain down through the neck and into the fingers. Get ready folks. My super Earth!
Well no, I guess since I don’t know nor want to know what exactly a super-Earth is, I can’t fully say this is my super-Earth. It’s just more like my utopia I suppose. But if you want to call it a super-Earth, please do by all means.
Chances are my utopia is better than any super-Earth science can come up with. Theirs would probably be all, you know, “Waahh, we’re science. We know stuff. Jesus wasn’t real. You know, blah blah blah electrons circle around the nucleus. AH! Global warming is gonna kill us all! Let’s learn about it!”
Well no. This isn’t going to be anything like it. This super-Earth is going to kick so much ass the human race might evolve to a point where we’re born without asses in a few thousand years because I will have kicked them all so hard they’ll be unnecessary.
So here we go. My utopia, by Adaham Lincoln.
Oh, I should mention that all the same rules apply as they did before. Like I translated it and everybody’s name is Adam.
My spaceship has crash landed on a strange planet. It looks like Earth. But super.
There’s a dude over there who looks like me. But super. I walk over, but once I start walking, it’s like I’m walking super fast, but not even trying do. It’s amazing.
“Hello. My name is Adam,” he replies.
“Cool. So is mine.”
“Really, that’s superbly great. I haven’t seen you on Hoth before? Where do you live?”
“I’m from Earth, actually.”
“No! Oh my Adam! It’s an alien! And not just any alien, but you! The greatest alien to ever live!”
“Well that’s hard to argue. How do you know me?”
“You’re a legend on Hoth.”
“For what?”
“Well for starters you’re a musical genius.”
“Oh I wouldn’t say genius. Visionary works, though.”
“Yes, of course. But that song of yours. It’s the greatest thing anybody’s ears have ever come into contact with.”
“What song are you talking about? I have so many gems.”
“Well you really should know. Haha, that’s funny. Get it?”
“No.”
“The song! ‘You Oughta Know.’ I guess I should’ve said that for my last answer. You probably would’ve figured that out much easier then.”
“Yeah I guess so.”
“Anyway. You sir are a legend for writing and singing that song. Really, we on Hoth love you.”
And that my readers is my super-Earth.
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