This will connect to the end of the post

Well my kiddies (that will seem more in place and more disgusting really soon, I promise), I’m here to talk to you today about pedophiles.

See, that didn’t take long.

Anyway, while I was in the car today, I could’ve sworn I heard something about the radio about pedophiles being allowed to keep pornography, or something along those lines. I’m not completely sure because I heard it, but the radio was turned down and I was in the third row of seats in my girlfriend’s mom’s mini-van, trying desperately to keep her hand out of my pants out of respect for her mother. Plus, I didn’t want her to waste all her energy because she’s taking her deep water test at camp today.

So anyway, here’s my question: pedophiles weren’t allowed to have porn? Once again, let me say I might’ve just made all this up, so I’m not entirely sure. But really? How is that governed?

I would imagine regular checks of his home and computer probably, but there are ways to get around those. I mean, just throw it out or delete it after use.

The way I see sex offenders and whether or not they should be allowed to keep porn is how I think many people feel about sports in more urban areas. Well, not entirely sports, but sport and other after school programs. Those things are used as a way to keeps kids busy after school, and keep them off the streets and away from possibly becoming involved with gang activity or drugs and things of that nature.

So isn’t giving porn to sex offenders really just taking them off the streets in a sense?

Well, I happen to know a few sex offenders, and I went ahead and asked them about this.

Alfred Alfredson (rape): Hell yeah I should get to watch porn. I mean, some of my favorite porn is even legal, so why shouldn’t I be able to watch it? Plus, no I’ll be able to watch some of the tapes I made before I went to jail! Well, I guess I’ll just stick to the ones where I’m doing legal stuff with people and species that are legal. Hey, stick to, that’s kind of a pun.

Tim Timson (pedophile): I like porn, and I think this would be a good ruling. It would sure keep me away from kids for a while. Well that, and those papers I was given telling me to stay away from playgrounds, batting cages and my revoked license to umpire Little League games. Plus, now I’ll be able to watch all those videos I made before I went to jail!

So yeah, let the sex offenders have porn. If they’re having sex with themselves, that’s just one less victim for them to prey on, sort of.

I didn’t want to end this post here, cause I guess it’s a bit on the shorter side, so I typed pedophile into cnn.com to see the latest happenings in the world of pedophilia. The first result was this one:

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=spot_the_pedo

I scored a 12 my first time, but I thought the description of how to find a pedophile was a bit inaccurate. Well not inaccurate as much as incomplete.

It says to look for the “pedosmile,” a half grin-half smirk. That’s fine. But still not enough. So I thought I’d continue on with this and let you know ways to pick out pedophiles:

The guy is one of those coaches for the same Little League team for over 10 years, and never
had a child on the team, or never even had children. Back in my Little League days I knew a few and always made sure to wear my cup backwards when we played them, just in case.

The hot, kind of young female teacher who is also insane. Every time I see one of those stories on the news, I’m always like “Man, I never had any teachers like that. Boo.” And then I’m like, eh, even if I did I either wouldn’t have realized she was crazy and willing to have sex with me, or I would’ve been all not awesome and shy and somehow screwed up my opportunity.

That guy who sticks his penis into a hole of a child.

The guy who runs a daycare center from his one bedroom apartment, where all he has is a bed with a video camera on a tripod facing it. He will also most likely be really up to speed with current trends in whatever age range they most like to prey on. Either that or they’ll just walk up, steal you child and rape him/her/them. For a pedophile to do that he has to have ball though, and that’s hard to tell, so you might just want to ask you kid once you get them (if you do) whether or not the guy had balls. Chances are they’ll find out one way or another.

That guy who likes a child’s penis in him somewhere.

He’s got a really thick mustache. You’ll most likely be able to see it either in his myspace profile picture or as he peers over the top of his newspaper while sitting on a bench right next to the swings at your local park.

He’s Woody Allen.

He introduces himself, “Hi, I’m a pedophile.” That’s a rather unlikely scenario, unless you’re at some type of pedophiles anonymous meeting or, like a few examples above, he’s got balls.

He reads to school children, except not from a book. He reads some days from his personal diary, which goes into detail about his dreams of sleeping with the kids he’s reading to. And other day he reads from body tattoos, or tells the kids the story of a tattoo if it’s only a picture.

See: title of post