The other day I saw a commercial for a new show on the History Channel. Now, I’ll admit to sometimes watching the History Channel. I like watching videos you’d watch in a class, but at home.
So I wasn’t really too excited, because I probably can’t name you one show on the History Channel. I just assume all the shows are named after whatever war the show is focused on. Not true.
Anyway, I see the commercial start, and I’m not too interested in it when I see the History Channel logo. Then I saw dinosaurs. I was little more intrigued.
Then I saw dinosaurs fighting. Now I’m more than interested. I fucking amped.
Yes, the History Channel has a show called “Jurassic Fight Club,” where using what is known about dinosaurs, they use CGI (I would assume) to have dinosaurs fight to the death.
It premiered Tuesday night, but unfortunately for me, was too excited by the commercial to see when it was airing and missed it. Desperately scouring the Internet for video clips didn’t help much. Hopefully within the next few days I’ll find the full episode somewhere. As for now I found a few clips on the History Channel’s website, but they aren’t really what I was looking for.
I found some reviews, one titled “‘Jurassic Fight Club’ Not So Dino-mite,” so between that and the title of the show it seems dinosaur puns are officially in style now. I should also mention, mostly because I can’t really think of anything else to at this point in time, I’ve never seen “Fight Club,” so the title didn’t really thrill me too much.
It gets its point across, which is fine. They could just take off the fight, replace Jurassic with the dino, throw in an exclamation point and I’d be happier though. I’ve mostly never seen “Fight Club” because lots and lots of people tell me how good it is, and I’m an asshole. Same goes the “Big Lebowski.”
So here’s where I think “Jurassic Fight Club” needs to go. Since I haven’t really seen an episode, but judging by the clips I’ve seen the actual fight is set up with a short story line, and interposed throughout the episode with clips of talking paleontologists explaining why what is happening is happening. Just why the dinosaur is moving like it is, why it’s fighting like it is, etc. In that sense, it’s like porn, which would be a plus.
I’d surely masturbate to dinosaurs fighting. Well, two chick dinosaurs that is.
The first episode pitted a male Majungatholus against a female Majungatholus. I don’t remember learning about that dinosaur, so in case you don’t either, here it is.
The storyline for this episode appears to be that the male Majungatholus killed his son, and then tried to mate with the female, one presumes because he will undoubtedly be hungry again in the future. She wasn’t having it, and a fight erupted. She won, in what I’m going to call an upset because she’s a she. She then ate the child and part of the male.
Now, this might not be true because like I said, I didn’t see the episode in its entirety, but after like 5 episodes this seems like it could get old. I mean, how different could it get? I guess in this sense it once again resembles porn, just not as a strong a comparison, unless the History Channel is going to really get kinky with the series, which I would doubt.
I mean, we get it. Blah blah blah, boring scientist, CGI fight. Should I make a
won’t.
Well, I think I have some suggestions for the History Channel on how to make sure the series stays fresh.
Running storylines. Bring back the female Majungatholus next week, have her interrupt the fight and beat one of the dinosaurs with the corpse of he dead child. Basically, make it wrestling, but with dinosaurs. I want to see dinosaurs challenge each other, basically by pointing at one another, don’t make them talk, or at least not in English. Spanish speaking dinosaurs might work, though.
I liked how in one video one of the boring scientist/CGI guys said something about how they want the scene of the fight to have some sort of bearing on it. I can’t really speak for what’s going to happen in the future, but how about making it interesting, and just incredibly unbelievable? Under water. On the moon. In a cage. Inside a volcano. Manilla.
I want to seem something on the line in these fights. Okay, life is something, I guess. But that’s boring when it’s just CGI dinosaurs. Perhaps I’m suggesting the History Channel set up a way to gamble on these fights on their site. I’m positive that would bring in more viewers. Degenerates just don’t care what they’re watching as long as there’s money to be made. I’m not a gambler, but I might even throw some money on a fight.
Going back to my wrestling point, switch up the matches a bit. Tag teams anyone? I’d like to see some interspecies tag teams, kind of like mixed gender tag matches. I already mentioned cage matches, but how about a royal rumble with like 30 dinosaurs? Or a match in an enclosed circle of fire? I like that one because even after the winner wins, he’ll be burnt to death.
I want a series of dinosaurs fighting in present day sports gear. Put some boxing gloves on the dinosaurs and let them duke it out. Dinosaurs fighting on ice skates. Dinosaurs on roller blades, too. I’d like to see a few episodes where instead of fighting they have to compete in other contests, like cooking, singing, gymnastics or winning over the affection of Flava Flav.
And lastly, I’d like to see all the dinosaurs be replaced by illegal immigrants, and they’ll fight for their citizenship. To the death, of course. That would make for great television, and I think the History Channel is just the channel to do it.
I don’t know if they got wind of this early, but anyone who has been to the Walgreens parking lot in
So there you have History Channel. I’ll tune it for a few weeks, but if you want me more long term, my demands have been laid out.
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