I’ve seen death my friends.
Just yesterday, or if you’re not reading this on Wednesday, Tuesday, I saw it first hand.
I was walking around when I noticed it. First, a stench. Then, a look of nothing. No activity. No coming back. No life, obviously.
But it wasn’t a human I saw dead. Nor was it an animal. Not a robot either. Alien? Nope.
It was the Nanuet Mall.
I was asked to drive my brother to go get his haircut. It was a little after 6 p.m., so I guess our options were limited. I don’t know. We drove past the two barbers in town, neither of which he wanted to go to. I didn’t look to see if they were open, so off to Nanuet.
On the drive over I thought I’d drop him off in front and just find a spot, park and sit in the car waiting for him. Once we arrived, though, I changed my mind. Something about seeing roughly 20 cars in a mall parking lot made me want to go inside the mall.
So I did.
I walked in with my brother. He went to get his haircut. I explored.
What I saw was nothing short of a tragedy.
It was practically empty. That’s not really the tragedy. Malls empty are fun in a way. Whether it’s just early in the morning on a weekday, or a mall in waning moments of its existence, I enjoy walking in a mall with enough room to wear carry a horizontal stick with about 20 replica Adaham dolls attached to stick walking along side me.
I could have easily done that in this mall. Also, if anyone knows where to have something like that made, it’d be much appreciated if you’d let me know. That’s the type of purchase that someone would call you a moron for making, but quickly change his mind about it once they’ve been handed an asskicking by five me’s.
So I walked around the mall.
Once a beacon of suburban fun, now so decrepit only trashy white people and Hispanics shop there.
I mean, it had a fucking K.B. Toys! Sam Goody! Spencer Gifts! SunCoast Video! You know what now stands where those once stood?
An X-Zone at the toy store. There was an arcade where Spencer Gifts was, but only with a few shooting-looking games. There wasn’t anybody in there, so I didn’t go in for fear of being captured and never leaving.
The other spots were empty.
For about every five stores, one is still in business. The rest are the same. Just dark stores locked up. Empty. Hardly any sign that one time something might’ve actually happened in that space. Clothes were sold. Or stolen. We are in Nanuet. Zing!
But now nothing. Just darkness. Much like the people of Nanuet. Zing again! ok, I’ll stop.
But seriously, the stores were all dark and not filled with anything.
Maybe some ripped tape on the window, but that’s it. Tape that held up signs for Going-Out-Of-Business sales.
The Nanuet Mall. Once a functioning mall. A place to kill a few hours shopping, or even doing a scavenger hunt. Now it’s the mall equivalent to what I imagine
There are still boats in the Harbor. Buildings still stand around the area the
It’s certainly not a place to kill a few hours. It’s transformed into an almost exclusively in-and-out service building.
There’s a place to get your hair cut. There’s a dentist’s office. An Eye doctor. A place for acupuncture. Massage chairs.
There’s also a few stores still open. Oddly, there were a few different stores dedicated to selling dresses. I would’ve expected more dollar stores. There was one.
A jewelry kiosk. A card store. A store with some paintings.
But all of these were spread out over the course of the entire mall.
This is our ghost town. An area that once had an abundance of activity and life, but now abandoned sans for a few crazy stragglers to haunt visitors or lock the Brady’s in a jail cell.
The western movie genre will resurface, with the prominent setting malls like the one in Nanuet. Shootouts at High Noon will take place in front of what was once Auntie Anne’s Pretzels. Our hero must catch the last bus out of town, or else face to smiling horrors of teens in a mall with nobody else and no stores to detract attention from running around and punching each other.
My grand tour of the mall concluded, and I found a bench to wait for my brother to be finished.
I sat on the bench, made of hard, white metal that was put together in odd bar shapes that made it quite possibly the most uncomfortable bench I’ve ever sat in.
I sat a few minutes and watched the passer-byer. A sheet of paper elegantly floated across my line of vision: our tumbleweed.
Then I noticed it. right there on the bench next to me. A tiny, white rectangle. It had blended in with the bench, leading me to not notice it for a few minutes. I picked it up, praying to the heavens for some type of sign regarding something I’m not entirely sure about, but that’s more interesting than saying I picked it up and read it with no intention on it meaning anything.
But it did.
The title, in red, read “What Is Hell?”
I looked around and the empty mall. I’m pretty sure I have an idea.
I read the pamphlet, which described what the Biblical definition of Hell is, and where the term came from. It described why Hell was invented and used quotes from the Bible. It also mentioned the only way to avoid Hell was faith in Jesus.
So I said, “Jesus, oh bearded one, what hath thy sent me here? What is my purpose being here?”
Just then, the ceiling opened up and down came a high-pitched voice that sounded nothing like Morgan Freeman, which was disappointing, said, “To serve your Lord, my son. You are to the chosen one. Climb to the highest mountain in
No, I’m just fucking around. But really, after I read the pamphlet I stood up the throw it out when something caught my eye.
In the distance it stood. Tall, bright and the answer to my question. I knew what I had to do.
I walked over to the machine, looked inside and saw a bunch green, blue and purple round balls with short, hair-like appendages covering them all.
I was sent here to transform this mall from Hell to a Mall again. All I had to do was spend some money. It was so clear to me now. The entire reason for my existence was bring the Nanuet Mall back to its once glorious state.
I reached in my pocket, fished out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. I fondled the joystick (yeah, jealous you didn’t [pun!] come up with that line?) until the claw was high above my desired target. I clicked the red button and down dropped the claw, extended and completely engulfed the green ball-thingy.
Then it slowly started to rise and recoil until it was finally all the way at the top of the machine, empty-handed.
Alright, alright, I’ve still got one more chance here.
I decided to go for one close to the edge, in hopes of just kind of knocking it over instead of hoping the claw can hold on it. I angle the claw, drop it and… and… same result.
Fuck this game, this mall and everyone still working in these shitty stores. The whole fucking thing should be knocked over and turned into something more useful, like an empty lot.
So I did what anyone else would in this situation. I found and empty spot (not hard, at all) and took a piss. On the Nanuet Mall’s grave.
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