I'm Going to be Rich

I thought of a couple inventions earlier today.  Patents pending! DON'T STEAL MY IDEAS!

Suicide Belt

I was reading John Swartzwelder's Dead Men Scare Me Stupid earlier today, and the following passage gave me a bit of inspiration.  The main character, Frank Burly, has just been committed to an insane asylum, and is looking over his inmate's uniform.

"Aren't you going to take away my belt so I won't hang myself?" I asked.

"Usually we do," said a member of the staff, "but we're a little overcrowded right now.  So it's either build another wing or let the inmates keep their belts.  If you lose yours, you can get another one from the Belt Lady."

"You might want a second belt anyway," chimed in another staffer.  "One to hang yourself with, the other to keep your pants up while you hang."

That seemed like a good idea.  I picked out a couple of good strong looking belts.  I wasn't planning on hanging myself, but if I did, I wanted to make sure I hung there with dignity.

This is absurd!  People actually have to do this, this walking around with two belts shit.  My invention, the Suicide Belt, is incredibly simple.  It's just a really really long belt.  When life's gotten you down, and you can't take any more, simply use the extra length of belt to hang yourself on any nearby light fixture or overhanging sturdy object, like some pipes or a vent, or a plant or something, I don't know.  And when you're not killing yourself, you can just run the extra length of belt through your belt loops a few more times.  Simple!  And it sends a really interesting fashion statement: don't fuck with me, because I'm prepared to kill myself at the drop of a hat.

Black Track

This is something my sister and I came up with, and I'm really excited about it.  Have you ever bought a DVD, and then, when you got home and started watching it, the movie didn't seem as good as when you saw it in theaters?  Some movies just play better in a theater.  Some people think it's because of the big screen, or the amazing sound system, but they're full of shit.  It's the black people.

Movies are always more enjoyable with someone yelling shit at the screen.  Remember when you were watching that scary movie, and the girl was about to get killed, and then the black person yelled out "BITCH, LOOK THE FUCK OUT!"  It was awesome, right?  Well, Black Track is how you're going to get that experience in your own home.  It's like those audio commentary tracks that nobody listens to, but, instead of the director or some other asshole just telling you shit about the movie, it's like six or seven black people just yelling shit at the movie.  Some tracks might have celebrity commentators, like Soulja Boy, or Samuel L. Jackson, and I'm working on getting James Earl Jones to do one (the main stumbling block in the contract is that he refuses to use the n-word).

But it's not just horror movies.  We've got ideas for thriller movies too.  Basically, every time a character comes on screen, someone will yell out "who dat?"  That's as far as I've thought about this one.

Documentaries were a bit tricky, but I think I've got them figured out.  You know those stupid ass videos on YouTube where it's like some kids show, but with "black" people doing all the dialogue?  You know, like this one?  Black Track for documentaries will be done by some fourteen year old black kid from the suburbs, who will record the whole thing in the family room at like ten at night, whispering into the microphone so his mom won't wake up and come down and yell at him for being a jackass.  So, An Inconvenient Truth will now be about Al Gore trying to get with some girl or something.  I don't know, it's stupid.

This will make a million dollars.