Operation Flatulent Grandpa

Stories appear in reverse-chronological order.

Dmur Runs Amok in Influenzal Madness

Is influenzal a word? Questions such as this are everywhere as Murgul dictator Dmur races screaming through the streets without pants on, in what "experts" say is probably brought on by "the flu or something. I dunno." Investigators from outside D'murgul were allowed inside the nation for the first time in history, to find that most citizens of the dictatorship seem to be cardboard cutouts of football referees and comic-book superheroes. No one, aside from people made of cardboard, could be reached for comment, in this startling revelation, but Batman was heard to say "Reading is FUNdamental!"

No word yet on the state of dictator Dmur, or his pants.

Petopia Collapses Under Extreme Economic Strain

Petopia's top government official, hot.pork announced that for a brief period of time he had to go into hiding. 

"Just in case they found me."

No further details were given. Although, speculation remains that hot.pork was involved in a botched train robbery, where he left his fellow banditos buried up to their necks in the sand and poured honey into their hair. Without hot.pork's consumption, the Petopian economy collapsed and the government has had to declare a state of emergency. The two employees working at the local Burger King were notified to be prepared to vacate the premises. They just kind of stared, and told our intrepid reporter to leave before they called the police. This reporter decided to abandon his order of onion rings. I decision he regrets deeply.

Lincoln Declares War On Universe
Adaham Lincoln has officially declared war on the universe. He claims the rest of the United Assholes are fully behind him on this decision, meaning they are so far behind him they don't even know about it. He said he was sitting at the round table, alone, when he made the decision. D-mur was busy with the day's executions; Mr. Mur has daily executions for people he feels have wronged him, or just people he wants to see plead for their life unsuccesfully. But Lincoln says he was alarmed that hot.pork was not in attendance at the round table meeting, and was nowhere else in the Superfriends hideout to be found. Lincoln assumed then that hot.pork had been kidnapped by the enemy, and then decided to declare war on the universe. He later added he doesn't know who "the enemy" is, but they he will murder every last soul he come across until he finds hot.pork. 

Lincoln Agrees to join Super Group
Adaham Lincoln agreed to join the Super Group, just as long as there is a round table involved, he said yesterday. "Yeah, it sounds fine. But there better be a round table involved." Lincoln considers himself an asshole, thus his participation in the United Assholes is only fitting, he feels. "But if there's no round table, I won't join. And I want a super power. And we all have to have matching outfits." He said he's willing to hunt down a gay guy to design the outfits, but that he'll do the fittings for them. "I haven't seen what those guys look like, but I know I want to touch them. I love measuring in-seems."

Dmur Suggests Crime-Fighting Super-Group

Talks towards the formation of new world government organization: The United Assholes hit a bit of a standstill this weekend, as Dmur kept getting distracted by bright objects and loud noises, as well as soft noises, and no noises. After much discussion of name changes, Adaham Lincoln proposing "New World Order," "NWO," "nWo," "nWo: Black & White," "nWo Hollywood," and, finally, "The nWo Red & Black Wolfpac Attac," the group seemed content to simply call it "hot.pork's Adaham Lincoln Experiment featuring Dmur," when said feature threw a wrench in the days progress. Despite no member having any super-human powers or abilities of any kind, Dmur suggested today that the leaders of Petopia and Super-Earth form "The New Super Friends," a crime-fighting group of superheroes. All were willing to try this idea, when Dmur turned around and revealed an entire bunch of bananas sticking out of his mouth, and said, "Hey guys, like that cigarrette picture!" Each member agreed to start the day over and act as if nothing had ever happened, though Dmur was heard to utter something about "Bananafest Destiny," and had several banana related gadget designs sketched on a napkin in his hand. Talks are hoped to resume this Wednesday.

Petopia Preposes New World Organization

At a round table diplomatic discussion with the top leaders of Littmania and D'Murgul, Petopian leader hot.pork proposed the formation of new world government organization: The United Assholes. The proposed flag depicted three buts pointed towards the center of the flag, white on blue, with a large brown circle in the center. While hot.pork is willing to negotiate on the name of the organization, he demanded that the flag stay. Dmur was also seen quietly coughing everytime hot.pork declared himself the leader of Petopia. Most report that he was really just saying "not" under his breath. The meeting mostly went without incident, until a man named "Johnaham Wilkes Boothe" walked up behind Adaham Lincoln and shot him point blank in the head. Fortunately, Adaham Lincoln was wearing a baby as a hat and the bullet did not reach his skull. 

Littmania Doesn't Know What to Do Know
After Petopia declared the war was over, and Dmur declared himself dictator of Petopia, Adaham Lincoln doesn't know where to go with Littmania. Last week Lincoln called for an invasion of a lesser nation so Littmania could once again have more than 8 people, 7 of them being cooks. But that didn't work out, and now that the war is over, Lincoln is kind of wondering what news stories will go over on this side of the page. He'll try to think of something, but the other two stories have thrown him for a loop. When asked to quote he said, "It's late and I want to sleep. I'll think of something soon. We need more people so I can fuck around with them and then make up stories about it. I could bring back slavery or something. Lincoln Out."

Dmur Names Himself Dictator of Petopia

After hot.pork's earlier declaration of an end to hostility between Petopia and D'murgul, Murgul dictator Dmur declared victory over the "French cowards" of Petopia, and named himself the new ruler of said nation. He also issued several statements urging everyone not to tell hot.pork about this, and to just go about daily business as usual, as if hot.pork were still in command, so that, no matter what, it looks like Dmur is the dictator, as long as he issues no commands other than "act as if I'm not in charge."

Petopia Declares War Over!

After several weeks of fighting an imaginary war, Petopian popular opinion and support for their troops have fallen by a staggering 2%. Resulting in a 6% support rate for Petopian troops and actions in the Littmanian Gulf. Great Leader hot.pork has decided to bring home the 3 or so frogs that he left in Littmania and D'Murgul from Operation "Cute Froggy Troops." He then immediately sauteed them with some onions and seasoned with some salt and pepper. "Delicious." he was quoted saying right after the impromptu meal. Shortly after that, Great Leader hot.pork had a major case of "froggy sickness" and was forced to evacuate his lower colon. The results of which were fed to the masses outside the Petopian Palace. Coincidently, they were waiting for hot.pork's speech on the dangers of strange foods.

Littmania Has Only Eight People Left

Littmania- After Adaham Lincoln banned violence in Littmania last week, and then proceeded to murder everyone in his country, except 7 cooks, he realizes he made a mistake. "This is awesome, and kind of sucks," he said. "There's nobody else here for me to observe and quietly judge. Who wants to just do that on TV?" The cooks aren't too thrilled either, as they all own their own restaurants, and they report business is down roughly 99 percent since the mass murders. "We've been spitting in his food since everyone died. He won't read this, right?"Lincoln is reportedly looking into ways to get more people back into the country. I think we'll, meaning me and the cooks, invade a poorer country and take them all back here. Then we'll force them to join our nation, and they'll be Littmaniacs. If nothing else, maybe we can haze them."

D'murgul Economy Plummets

Murgul stocks crashed this week, after the national project of D'murgul and laughing stock of the world, a tunnel to the moon, came to a close. Dmur declared said project a rousing success, but investors seem to view the straw poking into a basketball painted white otherwise. Famine is rampant in the lands of Murgul, but Dmur, declaring himself "Cannibal King," is doing just fine, having just received, by declaration of the King, the sole right to eat the corpses of the starving. Spirits are high.

Iran Inspires Petopia

In an uncharacteristic move by Petopian Prime Minister and God in Chief, hot.pork, the nation of Petopia has declared that anyone attempting to rape our women will have their penises chopped off preemptively. hot.pork was inspired following the declaration to "chop off their hands" made by Iranian President Adijerkaliskdkfbnnladfkjawofd. Is that his real name? The Associated Press of Petopia has just deemed it so in order to save time and energy. The declaration has led to mass castrations throughout the Petopian capital city of Porkgloria. In an unrelated note, Chinese Take-Out places throughout Porkgloria have noted large increases in the production of General Pork's Spicy Pork Balls.

Littmania Bans Violence

Littmania- A recent ban in violence is in its first week in Littmania. Reports are that violence is down, but other acts that happen to include violence are drastically up. Some of these are looting, rape and tying together one hand from two different people while they knife fight like in the "Thriller" video. For the first time in weeks Adaham Lincoln has spoken publicly. "I don't really give a shit," he said. "Let them all kill themselves. More food for me. Actually, save a few cooks. Then I'm good."

New Military Organization Sanctioned by Petopian Parliament

Petopia - After hours of watching the anime "Keroro Gunso," Petopian leader The Almighty hot.pork proposed to Petopian Parliament the formation of "cute froggy troops." Hours later, during an emergency session of Parliament, the movement was unanimously passed. Actually, those who dissented were immediately assassinated by the Petopian Praetorian Guard, who filled the upper balconies of the meeting floor and were armed with sniper rifles. The vanguard of the newly formed
"cute froggy troops" were easily slaughtered by Littmanian traffic and D'Murgul rivers full of logs and crocodiles. If the reference to a certain arcade game did not get across, hot.pork immediately apologizes. "Nandemonai sensei."

Violence Continues in Littmania
Littmania- After an innocent baby was shot last week, Dictator Adam has ordered for more killing of babies. He feels the way to victory is through the heart of an infant, literally. He has ordered for the fifth child of each house to be shot. Unfortunately, a law was already in place stating that each house is allowed a max of three children, and any after that are to be skinned and made into coats. Because of this Adam has ordered each family in Littmania to adopt children until they get a fifth, and once they do, kill it.

D'murgul Unveils New Weapon; Demands Tribute
After last weekend's failed assault, D'murgul released information on a new military weapon this weekend. Apparently, it's just an old man in a bathing suit; full implications for how exactly this is a weapon are not yet understood, but Murgul dictator Dmur now demands tribute from Petopia and Super-Earth, threatening a penalty of "wet old man-ing" for those who do not comply.

News Flash - Disaster Averted!
Petopia - After much discussion with the appropriate parties, it has been declared that the Planter's peanut does indeed speak with a British accent. The leadership of Petopia has decided that any suggestions otherwise will be met with a swift flogging with rolls of quarters. The bi-annual Petopia Peanut Party will now be held semi-annually. (It is still unknown what that change really means.) Also, news from the war front: new casualties have been reported. After a division of "Hassies" were secretly sent across the border in a fleet of mini-vans, on a mission to assassinate Petopia's leader. Unfortunately Littmanian intelligence failed to realize that it was "space-sabbath" and thousands of "Hassies" perished while attempting to walk to Petopia. Several hundreds of Petopians also committed suicide upon realizing that they knew exactly what B.O./Taco smells like.

News Flash - FIRST SHOTS FIRED!
Littmania - The first shots have been fired in the war between Littmania and Petopia. Reports say the first shots were fired by members of Littmania's army, which consists of 1,000 Goldbergs. Goldberg 439 was being taunted by a talking baby, approximately 9 months old, when he couldn't take it any more. He removed his cricket from his holster and unloaded one shot to the baby's temple, blowing it into roughly 86 pieces. He then drank the baby's blood as it rained down from the sky. After wiping off his mouth he yelled "Who's next?" No confirmation on whether or not the baby was in any way associated with Petopia or just a dick baby.

DICTATORSHIP OF D'MURGUL QUICK TO DECLARE NEUTRALITY IN PETOPIA-ADAHAM WAR AFTER FAILED ASSAULT
D'murgul - Hoping to capitalize on the war between neighboring states of Petopia and Adaham's Super-Earth, dictator Dmur sent hordes of orcs, trolls, spiders, and cave giants into the capitals of both nations this past weekend. After heavy casualties on all three sides, Murgul forces were easily routed, once the confused garrisons of Petopian and Adaham troops realized that they had automatic weapons, and were facing a force armed mainly with rusty swords and two-by-fours with nails sticking out of them. Upon hearing news of his defeat, Dmur quickly issued a statement this morning declaring D'murgul's neutrality in the conflict between Petopia and Adaham's Super-Earth.

News Flash - PETOPIA DECLARES WAR ON ADAHAM SUPER-EARTH/UTOPIA
Petopia - Citizens of Petopia declare foul when former-citizen Adaham leaves to found his own Utopia. The use of nuclear weapons has been abundant and trillions have perished on both sides. The very air here in Petopia has seem to have caught fire. Reports from Adaham's colony are that acid rain has resulted in untold billions of Adahams being left alive without skin. News is broadcasted as it is recieved!