Last Sunday, I went to see Rancid at the Fillmore in Manhattan. It was an awesome show, whatever, I'm not here to talk about that, really. More to the point, I picked up a CD while there, and I think I should tell you about it.
I'd decided the night before that I would wear my Killer Tofu shirt. It's awesome, I know, and that's why I made the decision to wear it: so people would see how awesome it was and I am. But I guess I didn't really think about what people do when they see something awesome. They talk about it. So, for the whole time the openers were playing, probably about two hours, people kept walking up to me and telling me I had an awesome shirt. It was fucking ridiculous. I felt like a complete retard for picking that shirt, because it meant talking to a bunch of losers (I mean, honestly, who goes to a Rancid concert anyway?) so much so that I bought a hoodie and wore it for the rest of the night so no one would see my awesome shirt. What the hell? I guess I really don't understand the point of an awesome shirt if everyone can see its awesome. It's even worse than when nobody can tell its awesome. At least then you get left alone.
But anyway, one guy who saw and commented on my shirt multiple times decided he was my friend, I guess, and he handed me a CD. I guess it was his band, but he didn't really say that. All I know is that it was a burned copy, with some sort of logo spray painted on, but I can't tell what the hell it's supposed to be. It looks like a cross between a T, a J, and a ship's anchor. Somehow, I guess, it's supposed to stand for the Rx Kings.
Well, I've put the CD in my tray, and, surprisingly, Windows Media has some kind of info on it. The name of the CD is "****.Fight.Die," though I'm not sure if the censorship comes from Windows Media, or the band themselves. Either way, they're pussies for letting that happen. Unless it's actually just supposed to be four asterisks, in which case, there may be something I don't understand about what four asterisks mean, other than somebody trying to swear on AOL.
The first track is called "Sickboy." It starts off with some phasery guitar, and soon a guy starts rapping really off beat over it. Now, I'm going to give all you aspiring rappers out there a tip: it's not a cool idea to just say your rhyme as fast as fucking possible. I'm not a professional or anything, but I can tell you that. The beat is for you. It's so you can keep time. What I'm trying to say is you want your song to sound like you know how to fucking count.
Thankfully, the track is only fifty seconds, so I didn't have to listen to this guy call me a faggot for very long. It ends with him saying "Rx Kings: put it down for the crown." So... now I'm like, really amped.
After a few jangly noises that I can't really figure out, so must assume are just somebody dropping their wallet chain, the next track, "Knives," starts. The drums somehow sound like they were recorded in a tin shed and a bum's asshole, simultaneously. But you can tell this one is meaningful because he says something about doing drugs while a girl goes "oooo" in the background. Then a guy screams through a talk-box... I honestly can't understand a thing these guys are saying... this kind of sounds like how old people think punk music is supposed to sound. But with some sort of hissing sound that continues throughout the entire album, I assume due to a bad microphone.
The third track, "Hotbox," is, I think, about Adaham Lincoln's mom's vagina. More shitty drum sounds, but it kind of sounds like a song. Just one where one of the three singers is recording his part from his cell phone. The bass drum is so much fucking louder than everything else on this track, that I think if I listened to this with headphones, I might shit my pants in 4/4 time. The track ends with sheep noises, I think? Maybe it's about fucking sheep.
The next song is called Prince of Theives, and is four minutes long, so, fuck me. The last two were two minutes, with like, fifteen seconds of silence on each side. Looking down the track list, the last song is six minutes, so I think I'm going to go have a sandwich during that one. Anyway, I can't figure out what this has to do with princes or theivery, but I suppose there's some joke in here about four minutes of my life being stolen, I guess. There's a break down part where some guys that sound like Fogel from Superbad say "The 5-0. How 'bout the fucking 5-0? Those fucking pigs. They're to protect and to serve and to blah blah blah... all they do is break your fuckin' balls and steal your shit. What are they gonna do? Put it in a fucking evi... evidence room or some shit? Yeah! That's all they do when they find that shit. I don't know what they do when they find that shit! They make money off your shit. Bullshit, protect social order! People are afraid of cops!" I can't make out anything else, because they keep talking over each other. But it's nice to hear a rich jewish kid from the suburbs' ideas on police. This goes on for two minutes. Honestly. The track ends after three minutes, with some sort of weird skit with someone getting beaten up? I don't know, but the last words on the cut are "Yamaha. Toshiba!" I'm starting to think these guys might be dropping some heavy shit that I just don't understand, because otherwise they're just fucking retarded.
The next track is called "Flicking lit cigarettes at Gas Station Attendants," which really pisses me off, because they should have capitalized "lit" and "cigarettes." But it starts off with bass guitar chords, which I have a soft spot for, so I'm giving it a chance. But then the drums start, and they keep fucking up. This one says something about the singer both slitting his wrists in the basement, and hanging himself in his bedroom, which is impressive, to say the least, so I guess this is their suicide anthem. Get ready blink-182, here comes the new Adam's Song! And this one's pro suicide. At least, it seems to have that effect on me. More rapping on this one, and nobody can keep time with anybody; the guitar speeds up and slows down while tha rappa spits his fire with absolutely no rhythm whatsoever. I'm starting to think this might be more than I can handle; there are still eight songs left.
"Devils & Angels," sounds like an atonal Sugar Ray song featuring Linkin Park. It occurred to me while listening to this song that the drummer might not have a snare drum, and is just hitting a hammer on a stack of construction paper instead.
Now, here comes the first of three title tracks, "****." Since the album is named after this and the next two songs, I'll treat them as one piece, and see how it turns out. It starts with really whiny My Chemical Romancey singing. I don't know if any of you are aware, but I once compared listening to My Chemical Romance with stapling my scrotum to the floor. This is also like that, but with the added action of trying to stand up really fast afterwards. The rapper tries some Run DMC shit later on in this first movement, you know, where you let the other guy finish the rhyme? It's... awesome. And he calls me a faggot again near the end, so, that was thoughtful. When "Fight" begins, they're already treating suicide like it ain't no thang again, saying "sometimes I kill myself to you," which seems like something you can't do only sometimes. That's more of a "once and for all" type thing, I always thought. The rapper comes in again, and he kind of sounds like Joe C. I can't help but feel insulted on his behalf. There's about fifteen seconds of undiscernable mutterings, before the final movement, "Die," begins. It's just guitar strummings, and it kind of sounds like a Creed song. These guys really are all over the place with their shitty influences. I get called a faggot again, and then they start ROCKING. And then, eventually, it ends, or something. I kind of spaced out.
The next one is called "Champagne Dreams." The guitar is really loud on this one, which I guess means it's at normal volume, because the rest of the CD has been dynamically retarded. It's got a really touching and meaninful line, "A little fucked up in the head, but who isn't these days?" Boy! You said it, Rx Kings! Fuck me, this one's four and a half minutes long. Alright, I'll be right back.
When I got back, it was around the three minute marker, and some guy was just making gun noises with his mouth. I might've missed something awesome. Then I hear "Hey, this is Antonio, from Rx Kings." What's this? A message to your fans? "We just want to thank you for... getting our CD, if you stole it, bought it, or showed us your naked pictures for it." I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure I don't fall under any of those, at least I hope I don't (honestly, who would pay money for this?) so, check plus for me. "I dunno... uh... thanks I guess, I mean... we really care." Uh... really? "Nah, I'm just playin', fuck you guys." Oh thank god. I thought you were serious about this whole Rx Kings thing. I think we both would have been embarassed for each other, if you were.
I guess they really turn the page here, because the next track is called "Down with the Crown." Before, they were talking about putting it down for the crown, but I guess they've discovered that monarchy, like... isn't fair. At the very least, judging from the title, it sounds like they've realized they suck, so... down with the crown! Right?
Who knows? I can't understand a fucking thing they're saying. So I'll just assume this song is about how they suck, proclaim it their best one, and skip to the next track without any further thought on the matter.
Oh god, this one's acoustic. The guitar sounds like one of those rubber band-tissue box guitars you sometimes got to make in preschool... or kindergarten. After about the sixth time they bumped the guitar into the microphone, I fast forwarded towards the end.
Alright, last one. "Acid Drums." Is that the problem with the drums? Something to do with acid? I guess that makes sense. The rapper's the one on the cell phone microphone this time. Again, no one's in time with each other, and somebody mentioned Slick Rick, who can't have been relevent for the past decade at least. The last time I heard him, he was on the soundtrack to Wild Wild West. Eventually, they start trying to get really spacey, but it sounds like they only have two people playing instruments, so it switches between just guitar and drums, to just guitar and a guy saying "peanut" a bunch of times, followed by thirty seconds of silence as they switch instruments. This track sounds like the first time you and your best friend discovered your computer could record sound, and you just fucked around for five minutes with it, until you got bored and left, coming back a week later to laugh at yourselves for being so silly.
The track ends with a minute of silence, and then one of these guys saying "I hope you fuckin' recorded that and it's printed. On print. Fuck the police, that's how we treat 'em. That was Kanye West, I think." Yeah, probably. "Eww. [in a southern accent] Fuck tha po-lice! It's still recording, ain't it, Al?" And then he starts doo-wop singing. And then his mom calls him. And then he goes back to "Fuck the policia!" And then somebody does some more gun noises.
And it's over, just like that.
So... "****.Fight.Die" get's an A+! A barrel full of fun!
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