I'm taking a course in Greek myths right now, and, having been to upwards of a few classes, I consider myself an authority on Greek mythology. If you ever want to impress someone with your knowledge of the different gods and goddesses of Greek lore, all you need to remember is this: everybody is retarded.
Most things can be traced back, in Greek myths, to somebody forcibly implanting his semen into someone else. It all starts from rape. How did man first learn to yoke a horse to a plow? Well, he learned this from Erichthonius, the first king of Athens, who was born when Hephaestus, the god of the forge, tried to rape Athena, who wanted to stay a virgin. He failed to gain entry to her magical fairy vahhj, and, like a horse, ejaculated anyway, from no stimulation whatsoever. His effulgence landed on Athena's thigh; she wiped it off in disgust, and scraped it on the ground. A snake-man was then born from this semen, this snake-man being Erichthonius. So, we learned to tame horses because Hephaestus doesn't know what "no" means.
Where does beauty come from? According to Greek mythology, it comes from Aphrodite, the goddess of all things beautiful. Alright, I guess that makes sense. (Well, it doesn't, but at the very least, I'm willing to listen further.) Where did Aphrodite come from? Well, Uranus, the one-time king of the gods, had been regularly copulating with Gaia, the earth. Gaia was also his mom, but I guess nobody cares about that, right? He decided, who knows why, that it would be fun to hide some of his children under the earth, so that they might never see sunlight. This was probably because they were in possession of some massive genetic defects that caused them to have hundreds of extra hands sprouting out of everywhich part of their bodies, but that doesn't really seem to concern anyone. Gaia got pissed about this mistreatement of her children (though the mistreatment of failing to get them to a doctor goes unnoticed), and so she gave another of her offspring, Cronus, a giant sickle. He proceeded to slice Uranus' dick off, and throw it into the ocean. And that's how Aphrodite was born. I guess.
So anyway, that Cronus guy had some kids with his sister, Rhea. As I'm sure any father is often tempted similarly, Cronus really, really wanted to eat his children. So he did. But Rhea really liked the youngest one, Zeus, so she hid him in a cave, and handed Cronus a rock wrapped in blankets, and he ate it. Because Zeus looks like a rock. So, later on, when Zeus wasn't too busy sucking on goat titties (you know, for milk), he kicked Cronus' ass and made him regurgitate all his children, who suffered no damage from being consumed by their father; he was apparently very gentle in feasting on his own offspring, as can be seen in the following picture.
So then Zeus went around raping basically everyone. Keep in mind, at this point, everyone was a relative of Zeus'. And that's pretty much it. Everyone and everything is a product of either Zeus raping someone, or one of his brothers raping someone. Sometimes, it's rape committed by his children or nephews. But make no mistake: all of you are the product of rape.
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