Fan

Tis good to be back, faithful reader(s). A lot of you have asked me what I’ve been up to since SD ended. They want to know where they can read my writings and such. Well, since SD stopped, I went through a bit of trauma. I stopped writing for a long time, and I’m about to tell you why. Below are 4 e-mails, three from a devoted fan and one from me- they haven't been edited in the slightest. They detail a horrific tale, and the reason I wasn’t able to touch flesh to keyboards for a long time. I failed a lot of classes in between. I had a ton of unread e-mails and missed out on many free vacations, credit cards and even Lasik eye surgery. Anyway, I’m back, and with a new name. But before I get to attempting to make the world laugh again, I need to tell this tale.

Dear Fonze, I wrote but you still ain't respond
I left my school, my g-mail, and my yahoo! at the bottom
I sent two e-mails back in autumn, maybe you missed em
They must’ve went to your spam folder accidentally
Sometimes my e-mail is mistaken for a porn site
but anyways; fuck it, what's been up? Man how's the writing?
I’m studying writing too, I'm bout to be an author
If I write a novel, guess what I'ma call it?
I'ma name it Adam
I read about your ex-girlfriend too, dam a madam?
I had a friend get depressed over some bitch who was a hooker
I know you probably hear this everyday, but your work brings me glee
I even got the unread shit you did with BMB
I got a room full of your posters and your pictures man
I like the shit you did with SD too, that shit was great
Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back,
just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan
This is Fan

Dear Fonze, you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance
I ain't mad - it's just fucked you don't answer your one fan
If you didn't wanna talk to me outside your dorm room
that was cool with me, but you coulda signed an autograph for Whitney
That's my little cousin man, he's only six years old
We waited in the tiny hallway for you,
twelve hours and you just said, "No."
That's pretty douchey man - you're his American idol
He wants to write like you man, he likes you more than I do
I ain't that mad though, I just don't like being lied to
Remember when we met in Rockland - you said if I'd write you
you would write back - see I'm just like you in a way
I never knew my sister neither;
you never had one and I ain’t have one either
I can relate to what you're saying with your words
so when I have a shitty day, I drift away and read 'em up
cause I don't got shit else to do and that shit helps when I'm depressed
I even got a tattoo of your name across my chest
Sometimes I even shave my cheek to see how much it bleeds
It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me
See everything you write is real, except for this and a few others
My teachers’ jealous cause I talk about you 24/7
But they won't love you like I’ll love you Fonze, no one will
They don't know what I taught myself to do with my tongue growing up
You gotta call me man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours, Fan -- P.S.
We should sleep together too

Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Fans,
this'll be the last e-mail I ever send your ass
It's been three years and still no word - I don't deserve it?
I know you got all of my e-mails;
I used a friendlier e-mail address
So this is my letter I'm sending you, you better read it
I'm in the car now, I'm doing 190 on the freeway
Hey Fonze, I saw Brokeback Mountain too, you think I like dudes?
You know the song that’s the template for this, Eminem’s “Stan”
about that guy who coulda saved that other guy from drowning
but didn't, then Em saw it all on the news but was too late?
That's kinda how this is, you coulda rescued me from drowning
Now it's too late - I'm on a 1000 Mike & Ikes, I'm all full
and all I wanted was a lousy e-mail or a call
I hope you know I ripped all of your writings off the wall
I love you Fonze, we coulda slept together, think about it
I hope you can't sleep and in turn you can’t dream about it
And when you don’t dream cause you can't sleep, you can’t scream about it
this part of the song doesn’t really make sense in hindsight, right?
See Fonze; {*screaming*}
Shut up bitch! I'm trying to talk!
Hey Fonze, that's my cousin screamin in the trunk
I know you can’t hear him cause this is an e-mail but just make believe
see the brackets up there? Those mean that action is happening
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the bridge now
Uh-oh, no wi-fi, how am I supposed to send this shit out?

Dear Fan, I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy
You said you’ve read all of my work, what’s your favorite piece?
Look, I'm really flattered you would call your novel that
and here's an autograph for your cousin,
I wrote it on his yarmulke
I'm sorry I didn't see you in my dorm, I musta missed you
Don't think I did that shit intentionally just to diss you
But what's this shit you said about you like to shave your cheeks too?
I say that shit just clowning dog,
c'mon – I got a full beard
Your clean shaven now Fan, I think you need some facial hair
to keep your cheeks warm when I leave you waiting in cold hallways
And what's this shit about us meant to sleep together?
That type of shit makes me really want us to meet each other
I really think that thing with your tongue sounds pretty sweet
or maybe you can just give me a massage
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time
before you massage someone else, like Dave or Peter
just wait a little longer, I'm glad I inspire you but Fan
why are you so mad? Try to understand, that I do want you as a friend
I just don't want you to do some crazy shit
I seen this one shit on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick
Some dude was drunk and impregnated some lady
And he didn’t mean to, but was bored waiting for a cuter chick
So just wait a bit more then we can see one another and mate
Come to think about it... you better be a Jew
Damn : (