Adaham Wept

Listen, we need to talk, badly. It’s just not working out. really, I want to fight you. That’s how much I hate you right now. And fight fight, with fists and everything. It’s come to this.

I just think you’re kind of a cunt.

Wait no, that’s not right.

I think you’re a total cunt.

That’s right, I’m calling God, or should I say god, a cunt.

Maybe that was too harsh, but seriously, fuck that guy.

First off, I’ve been reading your “book.” Crap. Just a really not enjoyable read, at all.

I didn’t care for any of the characters. I openly wished death upon all of them, but not a justified death for a purpose, or for people’s sins and such. I wanted every single person to be trampled by horses, decapitated, burned and then somehow still be alive so they could be tied to a tree while their families were murdered in front of them, and then they were buried alive in a casket full of Drano and my tears of boredom from reading your book.

But it was for a class, so I had to read it. And you know what else, god? That class sucked. I had a teacher who sounded like, looked like and even had similar mannerisms to David Letterman, and the class was still unbearable.

Our TA even kind of looked like Paul Shaffer, but that might’ve been because he always wore sunglasses.

Okay, that last paragraph was a lie. The TA was a plump guy with a skinny goatee who only stayed for the first 5 minutes of class, collected the quizzes we had to take at the beginning of every test. He might play keyboards, though. I don’t know.

But just being forced to read your shit book wasn’t enough, god, was it? No, I had to read it and take a final exam on it.

I don’t cheat. Maybe it’s cause I’m a pussy. Or maybe it’s just cause I feel like I’m constantly surrounded by complete morons.

But what did you do the test my faith ability to not cheat? You made sure the girl sitting in front of me wore a tank top exposing a good deal of her back, including the area right under her neck, where there was none other than a tattoo of a cross.

Really? Are you fucking kidding me? How am I supposed to not be tempted to cheat on a test about the fucking Bible when the girl sitting in front of me has a cross tattooed on her? And yet, that wasn’t the biggest distraction I had during a final that day. No, on my logic final a few hours before that, I was graced with the sudden urge to unload some weight in form of excrement. Funny thing about that was, I didn’t eat anything the morning of my test.

All I know is, about an hour and a half into the two hour test, I felt like my ass was going to vomit something putrid, brown and shaped like the handle of a microphone. I didn’t end up shitting my pants, thank you very much, but it was a rough half hour.

Anyway, I didn’t end up cheating on the Bible test, but if I get a bad grade on this test, I will formally apologize and chalk it up to missing a sign from the big guy upstairs. But if I do well, I’m getting a summer job as a cleaning lady at a hotel, stealing the Bible from every room and replacing it was the Quran. I’ll also put a Torah in every closet.

A few nights before my Bible final, I thought it would be nice to go sit in the park and listen to some music. It was a nice night out, I’m a loser and had nowhere else to go and my room isn’t air conditioned and sucks to stay in.

So I go to the park, plug my headphones into my CD player, and get through about a song and a half, then my batteries die. Could this be blamed on my own stupidity? Yes. Will it? No.

Seriously, god, fuck you. I’m a somewhat decent person. I’ve never raped anyone, nor have I killed anyone. On the other hand, I’ve also never seen a midget I haven’t laughed at (on the inside of course), or seen a person with one leg I didn’t want to team up with in the most literal execution of a 3-legged race ever.

But still, I just enjoy laughter, especially at other people’s expense. You could’ve given me a sign that my batteries were going to die, or better yet, just sent me a few AA’s.

So there I sat, with no headphones on and a useless CD player next to me. I decided I still wanted to sit outside, though. So I did. And within 3 minutes of my decision to stay in the park, it started to drizzle.

I considered leaving, but it was only a drizzle, and I didn’t want to give in to you, asshole. I needed to stick up for myself. So I stayed longer.

Within five more minutes, it was a downpour. Still, I stayed. I looked at the sky, ready to curse you, then rain hit my eye and it hurt, so I looked down. I still cursed you though.

I decided to fully kick you ass, I needed to stay for a half-hour. I did. I felt accomplished, and really wet. But that’s besides the point.

On my victory lap back to my dorm, a young, decently attractive Asian girl waved at me on the sidewalk. I didn’t react, as I figured she was waving to someone else on the sidewalk. We kept walking towards each other, and it became increasingly clear she was indeed motioning for me. That’s when I knew you were giving credit where it was due. I had won.

We meet, say “hi,” and she holds out a pamphlet, and on the cover I see the word Bible. Touché, douche.

She’s smiling a lot, so I stay and listen to what she has to say. She was talking about the Bible, and about some kind of Mormon translation, interpretation or something or other version of the Bible. Maybe this isn't so bad after all.

“Mormon?” I ask.

She smiles even more now, as I have expressed interest. “Yes Mormon, it…”

“Mormon like me, you, and other ladies?”

“Well there are plenty of other people in the church, many of whom are female.”

“But like, Mormon. Me, you, her and her? ‘Big Love’ Mormon?”

She’s confused. She turns her head to the left side, yet still manages to hold onto her huge smile. “I, I don’t understand.”

“Me either. I’m sorry, I’m not interested.”

“Aw, have a blessed day!"

You win, alright, you have defeated me.

In the words of Kelis, “I hate, you, so much right now! Aaaahhhhhhh!”